A biter of fingernails. But, not just any body's. I only bite mine.
I have since my nervous, awkward childhood.
I wish I could stop, but cross-my-heart-hope-to-die, I don't even know when I'm doing it. According to Freud, this is a sign that I am seriously emotionally and psychologically disturbed and my "oral fixation" stems from a need to fulfill a constant "hunger" caused by a lack of "life-nourishment." Huh? Considering the source, I'm not too worried about said fingernail-psychosis. After all, we are talking about the same guy who insisted that being in love with his mother was normal. Personally, I think I bite because in second grade the lunch lady always had gunk trapped under her long nails and it made me want to hurl my Sloppy Joe. Still does. So my subconscious seven-year-old mind figured in order to prevent gunk nail, I'd kept 'em short and gunk-free. Or, maybe I'm just psychotic. Regardless...
I look at other women's feminine hands and get flat-out jealous. It's especially unfortunate that I adore trips to the salon. I have very low mani-potential. I've been chewed out by more nail techs than I care to remember. According to them, it's the reason I don't have a husband. "Why you bite? Man like long nail."
Consequently, I've never worn rings. I don't want attention drawn to my hands. So now that I'm wearing the most beautiful ring on the planet my chewed-up fingertips are all-too-frequently observed. I've tried several techniques to avoid revealing the unseemly things to folks who want to take a look-see at my bling-bling:
Technique One - The Fist: When someone asks to see my ring, I quickly ball my hand up into a fist, making sure all nails are folded in and out of sight, being extra careful to tuck my thumb inside the fist-ball so that it's atrocious nail is also unrevealed. The problem with the fist technique is that when I then raise my hand to show my ring, the unsuspecting viewer ducks and covers for fear of being sucker punched.
Technique Two - The Palm: This is by far the trickiest technique to pull off smoothly. When someone asks to see my ring, with my right hand I quickly spin my ring around backwards on my finger so that the diamond is underneath. I then flip my hand over, palm-upward-chewed-mess-downward, causing the diamond to be visible for viewing and then extend my hand to the viewer. There are two problems with the palm technique. The viewer is either: confused into thinking that I'm asking her to place something in my open hand, and unless she has some extra cash handy, this makes for an awkward situation. Or she mistakes my ridiculously uncoolness as actual coolness, low-fives me, cuts her palm open on my exposed diamond, has to be rushed to the nearest urgent care center for stitches, and sends me the bill. There is potential to win big or lose big with this technique, making it an attractive option for the risk-taker in me.
Technique Three - The Flash: It's simple, really. When someone asks to see it I flash my ring in front of their face for 0.85 seconds, then before my nails have a chance to be observed, I quickly stick my hand in my pocket. If no pocket is available other nearby objects can be used to hide my hand, such as a house plant or a casserole. The problem: This technique really ticks people off. Especially if you're at their place for dinner.
Technique Four - The Claw: The claw is by far my most used technique. I've convinced myself that it is the most natural-looking of the techniques, and therefore provides the least-awkward viewing environment for all involved. When asked to see my ring, the claw works by simply curling my fingers inward into "claw hand" position so that my nails are out of view. Careful to keep this hand position, I then slowly raise my hand toward the viewer so they can observe my ring. This technique can also be referred to as "The Knuckle" or "The Nub." The problem with this technique is that the zombie-like-unnatural hand position and movement cause an extremely awkward viewing environment for all involved.
Needless to say, these techniques are not working and something needs to change.
I want to quit biting.
I did once. Cold-turkey for a whole month. I remember it was around Christmas because I had enough nail length to slice the tape on packages; obviously a memorable first. I was proud of my new, feminine hands and even kept *gasp* bright red polish on my nails. The attention was almost too much to handle. You can't take life-long wallflower hands and throw them into the spotlight like that without consequence. I had to quit the red and opt for a more stable, yet still enchanting, pearlescent pink.
But alas! My pageantry was short- (pun intended) lived. The LOST season four premiere was a real nail-biter. I've been off the wagon ever since.
Any advice? I want pretty nails in my wedding photos and HATE wearing fake nails. I recently tried to do that again and couldn't take it. I don't want anything long and crazy that I can paint a landscape on. (Seriously. They do this at my salon. Mountains. Pine trees. Lakes. Grizzly bears feasting on salmon.) If I could grow two millimeters of length I would be overjoyed. My ears (err... eyes) are yours. Tell me how.
9 comments:
well... i HAVE to keep mine short, or i'll bite them. and i also HATE stuff under my nails. bet it's that lunch lady's fault too.
so i keep a nail kit and a file and a buffer in my end table and night stand drawers. when i sit to watch something on tv, one of the first thing's i do is a litttle mini-mani. trim, file, clean and buff. it' satisfies the biting urge, and keeps them looking nice... and short.
i also carry a file and clippers in my purse for emergencies. if i get a hang nail, i want to bite or peel it off immediately... so this way i can clip or file and still keep the majority of the nail.
also, a good vitamin will help keep them strong and less biteable.
I always bit my nails. I managed to semi stop a couple of years ago out of sheer will and a little clear polish as a reminder.
also what carrie said - file the hang nails.
it may sound silly but what worked for me, was having ONE nail I could bite. a thumb nail. gross sounding, but it worked.
I am a lifelong biter too. I now present software for a iving, so chewed nubs are not an option. I do short Tammy Taylor (natural pink with white tips) in a length just over the end of my fingers in a shape my nail guy calls "little old lady round". They look pretty natural and are easy to still do my work. The great thing is, I still bite them, but it doesn't matter! Takes a heavy bite to damage them. Best of both worlds for me! Good luck.
so, i had the same problem back in the day and what i did is a little gross but works. you ready? I dipped my fingers in polish remover in the mornings. I even got that handy one w/ the sponge in it so i didn't end up pouring the whole bottle on myself which i would have. it tastes disgusting and it's sure to curb your habit unless of course you enjoy the taste of finger nail polish remover and then i think you have bigger fish to fry! ;)
How about a little cayenne underneath your nails?
I don't know much about biting nails, cuz I've never done it, but I think Andrea might be onto something with that aversion therapy thing. That's what any psychologist would probably do anyway, since you don't know when you're doing it half the time.
Until you get over the biting thing, though, you could try a new hand gesture to your ring-showing reperatoire: The Tiger Claw. You've seen it in a million kung-fu movies. Instead of balling your hand in a fist and giving the unsuspecting viewer the impression that you're going to sock them, curl your hand into a fist (complete with the thumb inside) and then open your hand halfway so that your hand looks like a tiger paw. Your fingers will have a nice, square look to them (as they are now bent at the first and second knuckles but are straight at the palm knuckle) and nobody can see your nails. You may look a little bit like you had part of your fingers blown off, but you can always play that off as a nifty fireworks accident and come up with an exciting story on how it happened. It might actually add to the presentation of the ring!
I'll show you the next time I see you. It'll be awesome! But you should still try to stop biting your nails. That's no good.
Steph. I bite, too. I can quit for weeks at a time, then I sabotage myself when they get too pretty. What would Freud say about that? (Remember, he was a cocaine addict who had MAJOR issues of his own.:)
I keep mine painted with a THICK layer of polish, even if it looks tacky, and that keeps me from biting. Keep em cleaned out underneath, and that will keep you from biting. Oh, and do some research on how many germs live underneath your nails. THAT will be good incentive to not bite. I won't go into it here...just let me say that I SWEAR I had a stomach virus for two weeks once...
The ring is gorgeous and you are too!!!
Hey Steph! I too used to bite my nails. As I child I just couldn't stop! What cured me was a bet with my father (he bites his nails too). We decided that the first person to stop biting their nails would get their wish. I forget what my dad wished for, but I wished for a dog. And I won! So we got a dog, and I was extremely happy! I think I had to make myself stop by realizing that there was something I wanted more! I had to stop or I would never get the thing that was more important to me. I will never know if I would have started biting them again, because since all my jaw surgeries I can no longer bite. My teeth actually do not meet, making it impossible to bite my nails. I do not advocate this solution! But I managed to go years without biting them before the surgeries(when I actually did have the opportunity). And now, although I don't bite my nails, I still pick at them. Any time there's a little snag or anything, I'm right on it making it worse for some reason. And I peel off nail polish too. Not sure why. Some sort of nervous tick I guess! So basically, it alwasy seems to be something! Don't feel bad about your nails. I never even noticed...unless maybe I ducked when you tried to show me your ring...I can't remember!
I used to be a nail biter too. Although I managed to quit while I was young - did something like slapped myself every time I caught myself biting my nails. I am sure I looked REALLY silly maybe that is why I slapped my leg more often it was under the desk :-). Now I always have long nails unless I manage to break one like now grrr... need to cut the rest down. Anyway, I notice how dirty it is under my nail if it is short. When my nails are long I usually use the other nails to scrape under my nails when washing my hands. When my nails are short it is harder for me to get the dirt.
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